Why Men Hate Going to Church

This is the title of a book by David Murrow. While none of us probably will endorse everything the author says, there is a lot here of value. I invite you to read the following condensation and commentary I have prepared on this recent work (2005) published by Nelson Books.

David Murrow’s Why Men Hate Going to Church
A synopsis and comments by Jim Gustafson
August 2006

Backdrop: Visiting my son, Eric, in WI this summer, we talked about the situation in his church there. Some dissatisfaction arising. Mostly from men. Showing me a copy of the above book, I devoured it in a single day and found a lot (not all) resonated. I have my copy now (under $10 from Amazon, shipping included.) For those who like a Reader’s Digest version, I offer the following highlights. See if there is anything here for your thinking. Warning: the findings are generalizations. There are many individual exceptions. So don’t toss the ideas aside because you may consider yourself (or another guy) an exception. When we say “crows are black” it’s true even though there may be an albino or two out there. Let’s listen for nuggets of truth in Murrow’s ideas.

Part One: Why Men Hate Going to Church

Chapter 1. Like it or not, men in the USA have a new religion: masculinity. Churches now have trouble reaching un-churched men because men perceive the church to be highly feminine. Over 60% in morning worship are women. Lots more single women than single men. Some men present are there due to pressure from their wives. (A happy exception: my brother says his church—Grace Community Church, Cortland,s NY—has many single dads who take their kids with them to church.)

“Today’s church has…a culture that is driving men away.” (Murrow 7) When men want spiritual sustenance they go hunting or fishing, to the bar, the garage. Yet most American men believe in God. Most say they are Christians. They admire Jesus. But not the church. Yet a church without a core of men who truly follow Christ is dead, even if the pastor is a manly guy himself.

Chapter 2. Why? “Churches do not model men’s values: risk and reward.” (Murrow 15) Churches like to play it safe – a feminine trait. Yet Jesus did not. Jesus attracted men. Key: because he demanded risk and achievement. Think of the risk: “leave your nets (business, security) and follow me and I’ll make you fishers of men.” He asks them to make a big, risky commitment that may cost them their lives. But the rewards will satisfy a manly man. Jesus demands all in order to win all.

Chapter 3. Young adults (18-29) are also missing from church. Women and older adults go to church because it speaks to their hearts—safety, harmony, predictability, comfort, nurture, support. The programs, the music, the atmosphere creates a safe place to retreat to and feel warm and maybe even fuzzy. Young adults and men have values more like this: risk, change, conflict, variety, adventure, competition, daring, expansion. Think about it: who is involved in extreme sports? (I know that’s an extreme illustration, but maybe there’s a point here.) “Men are drawn to churches with guts.” (Murrow 21) And recent research shows women are now leaving the church—20% decline from 1990 to 2000. What’s going on? “Setting the thermostat of the church away from security and toward challenge may be the key to reach the next generation of women as well.” (Murrow 22) Note: you may say, look at our men’s retreat numbers and Promise-keepers and mission trips. Doesn’t that indicate we’re OK? Not in itself. The key is the vitality of men’s and young people’s involvement in the visioning, planning and executing of the life of the church at its core. Is the church taking calculated risks that promise big achievements for Christ while calling for daring investment of time and treasure?

Chapter 4. Using a list of masculine and feminine traits from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Murrow cites a study that shows that most people, religious and irreligious, associate Christianity with feminine values. In the early church the opposite was true. So why would a man go to church for an “extreme makeover” into something he is not? “Every church needs a generous helping of both the feminine spirit and the masculine spirit.”(Murrow 25) Where the feminine spirit dominates, you can’t be blunt because hurting feelings is unforgivable. No bold moves or you are power hungry. Setting goals and measuring productivity is too numbers focused and the church is run too much like a business. “Be nice.” “Churches are comforting Christians to death…” (Murrow 27) What is needed is to restore a balance between the feminine spirit and the masculine spirit. Both are needed.

Chapter 5. Murrow uses the analogy of a spiritual thermostat to contrast the “temperature” of a church—what kind of emotional atmosphere the church projects. Jesus confronted the religious, comforted the needy and broken, but challenged everyone else. Challenge was Jesus’ default setting—and men were drawn to him. But many churches now set the thermostat on comfort, ceremony, control and conformity.

Comfort: the church is a family where everyone is always nice. People seldom leave church disturbed enough to think they ought to change in some way. Ceremony: the church is a place where traditions (often beautiful in themselves) are honored and preserved. Control: the church keeps people in line by imposing guilt (feminine control) or authority (masculine control) through rules. Conformity: the church expects people to be the same in dress, lifestyle, and spiritual habits.

By contrast, confrontation demands change—but should be done in small settings not from the pulpit so there is a context of support for making painful changes. Challenge is also personal. While church people should be challenged from the pulpit, what is needed is a venue for “iron sharpening iron” and spurring “one another on to love and good works.” Is there a time and place where friends get beyond being nice about everything and ask pointed questions about our relationships with the Lord? Murrow says that we have exchanged this discipleship model for an academic model: sermons are Bible lectures by a credentialed professional, followed by more of the same in Sunday School classes and Bible studies. Men will change more often in settings like a mission trip or a project in the community—by what they experience more than by what they are told. (Murrow 34) Discipleship is not talking about the Bible with a few other people. It’s “on the job training.” (Here I throw in my two cents: every able Christian, from day one, should be in an outreach group of some kind—community service, fixing the property of the church, assisting needs in the fellowship, witnessing on the job, neighborhood or school, building houses—and get Bible-based coaching on the fly. We tend to enroll people in endless Bible studies, prayer groups, seminars, and so forth to train them for service with the result that many of the opportunities they may have had to witness and to serve pass by. Is the church to be more like a religious academy or more like apprenticeships—“on-the-job” training? Are we forever in the military academy while the war passes us by?)

Chapter 6. Activities in many congregations seem to call for gifts more likely to be found in women than in men. Men are more apt to be good at strategic thinking, progress, efficiency, vision, controlled risks and measurable performance. But so many church slots are for people good at verbal and relational skills—the strong points of women, generally speaking. Churches tend to focus on ministries to children and women. While Jesus loved children and women (unusual in his culture), he focused on men. Jesus shook his culture. The apostles were boldly aggressive. Early Christians faced torture and death without flinching. A healthy church, while not forsaking the nurturing aspect of our faith, needs men’s expansionist outlook. Men’s orientation toward risk, men’s focus on the outside world, men’s concern with rules and principles, men’s pragmatism, men’s strength, men’s money, men’s ability to lead their families to God if they are leaders in their homes. Secularism and Islam are currently more successful in attracting men than most churches. While we need the gifts provided by women, we need just as much the gifts that are found in men.

Part 2: The Three Gender Gaps

Chapter 7. Presence. If you were to select one person to epitomize American church-goers it would be a 50 year old married woman who is well-educated and works outside the home. 61% of church attendees are women. Studies show that more established denominations have more churches reporting a gender gap. And they tend to be in decline. They tend also to be founded over 50 years ago and of average size. Having spiritually alive men seems to be a key in growing churches. Vibrancy, new initiatives, and accomplishment—these are what men are looking for. Men do not follow programs; they follow men. This does not mean that godly women are less important. But transformed men energize a church because they are relatively rare in our culture. This not new—reports from previous centuries show a similar preponderance of women, due to various cultural changes. Some analysts now predict that soon the clergy will become a characteristically female occupation, much like nursing. In the early church both men and women played an equally prominent role. “It was a shared stage.” (Murrow 63) Now the balance is far from even.

Chapter 8. Participation. Statistics reveal that in American churches women place consistently higher than men in most categories (discipleship, Sunday School, leadership, small groups, devotions, volunteering, Bible reading, sharing their faith and donating), while praying shows a smaller gap. The same is true for parachurch organizations. And women are much more likely to buy Christian books and music or listen to Christian radio, TV, or music.

Chapter 9. Personality. While 62% of Americans are said to have passive personalities, 85% of Christians fall into this personality category. For some, their most active episodes come when fighting change in the church! While active types usually assume leadership in the world, passive types predominate in church leadership. This means that passive-led churches often have no compelling vision—they are busy but not achieving much. Both men and women who show high masculine values tend to shy away from church. Is church a habitat for soft males? So how can a church attract high-achieving, risk-taking people? “By taking risks! Pursue outrageous, God-given visions. Develop ministries that are dangerous.” (Murrow 75) Mission adventures. Highlight stories of Christians today who are risking everything—even life—for Christ (www.persecution.org). Men are often fun-lovers. So let the church learn how to be joyous, even in exuberant ways. Some men are “dangerous.” Is a man with tattoos, a Harley, or a criminal conviction welcome in our church? Maybe they have a role to play.

Men often look around to see if there are enough men in the church who have key roles in the congregation—who are active, risk-taking men they want to follow.

Part 3: Understanding Men and Masculinity

Chapter 10. Men who visit a church are apt to be uneasy because a lot of what goes on is foreign to male biological makeup and takes a lot of getting-used-to. Testosterone makes men and boys dislike sitting and being quiet. Their brains are different, too. Details here are too complex for quick summary. Wise churches will look into this.

Chapter 11. Socially, men have a different track also. When stressed, women run to others with whom they can talk about it. Men retreat to their caves to puzzle it out on their own. Anthropologists note that men were originally hunters, women gatherers. Men are more project-oriented. A wise church capitalizes on this. Men are apt to be more outdoor-focused. Men were warriors and still tend to be willing to sacrifice themselves in danger. And men traditionally have been in the forefront of every major religion.

Chapter 12. Men want to great. And they want to be recognized as being great. (Look at sports, for example.) But men don’t see church as a place where this is possible. Notice that God promised Abraham and David that he would make their names great. When James and John wanted to be great (seated on his right and left in the kingdom) Jesus did not rebuke their ambition. He said, “If you want to be great…be a servant.” Jesus supports true greatness and set his men free to go for it. (Murrow 101) As long as it is for the glory of God.

Chapter 13. The concern for greatness comes to men from the culture around them that demands they exhibit masculinity. Bravery and self-sacrifice are not automatic. Soldiers for example are gripped by incredible fear, but few desert—because of what the culture expects. That’s how men build up their currency in masculinity—by how they do life. “Womanly” behavior drains their masculinity bank. For many church is womanly, hence something to avoid. While women are not diminished by being manly, men are diminished by being (perceived as) womanly.

Part 4: The Straws That Break Men’s Hearts

Chapter 14. Now for specifics. Men fear incompetence. They are not as good as most church women at Bible knowledge, singing, being singled-out, or the Christian lifestyle. Men fear they will have to sacrifice thinking for believing. They fear their kids will be brainwashed. Single men don’t want to be treated as marriage prospects. Some men don’t want to compete with Jesus for their wives’ admiration. Homosexuality in the church makes men uneasy. Nor does heaven appeal to them as it’s commonly portrayed.

Chapter 15. The church is out of date and thus out of touch. Many services are little changed from a century ago. Technology is minimally used. Mediocrity reigns. Services and sermons are too long for testosterone-saturated people. Churches are going soft on morality, while focused on avoiding sin rather than engaging the culture.

Chapter 16. Christ’s soft qualities are emphasized more than his almost reckless manliness—“Jesus never offends anyone. He is ever tender and accepting.” Men do not want to follow such a person. But this is not who Jesus is. “Men are looking for a real man to follow: dynamic, outspoken, bold, and sharp-edged…decisive, tough, and fair.” (Murrow 134) Christians don’t usually talk like that. “Sharing, intimacy, passion” are feminine. What about admire, respect, look up to? Men don’t want to “fly to Jesus’ bosom” or have him tell me “I am His own” in the garden, or talk about being in love with God. Whatever happened to “Onward Christian Soldiers?” why is so much music like top forty love songs? “Hold me close.” “I’m desperate for you.” “You’re altogether lovely.” “O Lord, you’re beautiful.” Where’s the balance with the vigorous side of faith in Jesus? Is our men’s ministry really more like women’s ministry applied to men? “If a church welcomes feminine displays of emotion such as crying, hugging, and hand holding, it’s time to welcome masculine displays such as applause, shouts, fist-pumping, and high-fives.” (Murrow 141) Prayer and share is tough for many guys. So is dressing up. And what about the shape of holiness—feminine and masculine? Tough love is needed, too. Some churches don’t let men act as men.

Part 5: Restoring the Masculine Spirit in the Church

Chapter 17. Leadership must be prized, not feared. Many pastors are kept so busy caring for everyone they have little time or energy for bold leadership. We need more lay leadership, more male leadership, or at least leadership that recognizes the deep needs of men. Men need vision, purpose. Men need to be challenged to overcome obstacles. (Are we making things too easy?) Men want to be fruitful—and fruitfulness can require thinning out some ministries to make room for those that make a real difference in the real world.

Chapter 18. Men need strong pastoral leadership that is resolute, full of conviction. Male pastors need to be a regular guy who speaks natural language, not religion-speak. Female pastors have a challenge to overcome; too much softness with men and boys and the tendency toward liberal views such as feminism and political-correctness. Men find it easier to follow men. There are women leaders who inspire men in their congregations—but it is difficult to achieve. (Ellie and I met one such woman pastor in a church Ellie’s cousin goes to in Virginia—she is not mannish herself but knows how to speak to men’s needs.)

Chapter 19. How does one teach men? By personal discovery and often hands-on more than by the abstract. Allow give-and-take discussion. Lean and focused sermons closer to 10 minutes than 30 minutes. Use stories. Be forthright and challenging. Use the unexpected. Life transformation more than moral improvement. Be faithful to Scripture while answering questions men are asking: success, sexuality, guilt, family life, disciplines, business ethics, integrity. Use masculine language and imagery. Secular advertising can give useful clues here.

Chapter 20. Worship in masculine mode. Men respond to churches where they “experience the esprit de corps and the joy of discovery that makes their faith journey a blast. Getting to know God and His ways can be enormous fun.” (Murrow 185) They also like friendly competition. Churches that showcase men leading worship, ushering, giving testimonies and teaching tend to grow more. (In such churches women still have a high profile but not exclusively—men follow men.) In music the trend in praise songs is toward “slower and dreamier” styles that reflect women’s tastes. Where is the “loud crashing cymbals” style that Scripture alludes to? Rick Warren warns of equating worship with soft feelings. Douglas Wilson says, “The current emphasis on feeling worshipful, produces in men a cowardly and effeminate result.”

Suggestions to consider: 1. practice forms of worship found in the Psalms, 2. have talented people lead, 3. sing in men’s vocal range, 4. do not expect newcomers to sing what they don’t know or do not believe, 5. have men-only worship opportunities, 6. have a sing-free men’s retreat and see if new men come, 7. at men’s events use songs with masculine lyrics rather than love songs to Jesus that stress brokenness and weakness. (I’ll add one here.) 8. do not have men standing to sing for more than 8-10 minutes.

Consider going outdoors for men’s events. Venues other than church buildings often help. Decorate with men’s tastes in mind. Give men space when praying with them, laying hands on them. Use natural, everyday speech, not churchy talk patterns.

Chapter 21. Women need to be gracious about changes that will appeal to men that may seem a loss from their perspective. Since women play a huge role in every church, they need to focus on what will develop men and consider men’s needs when planning church events that affect men. Don’t drag a man to church. Give up any fantasy about what a man will be like after he comes to Christ. Allow husbands to instruct the family even though you may be better at it.

Chapter 22. Ministry. Imagine this scenario. Your pastor announces:
As of next month we are canceling nursery and Sunday School. We will no longer offer weddings, baby showers or funerals, and we will drop out the soup kitchen rotation. Instead we are going to minister in new ways. Our children’s ministry will be based on sports leagues. We will offer free auto repairs to the working poor and provide carpentry, electrical and plumbing upgrades to seniors’ homes. We will deploy members as security ambassadors, walking the streets of troubled neighborhoods. We will dig water wells in third world countries.

How would this bombshell go over? Isn’t it obvious that this would outrage women and probably energize men? Key: help men discover their gifts and provide opportunities to use them. Set a target, do a few things well, and give men external focus on big projects that capture their imaginations. Give men risk and adventure. Let them witness while doing something in the community. Advertise what’s going on. Appeal for men to give money. Create new entry points besides attending morning worship. Teach them how to grow in Christ along the way.

Part 6: Meeting Men’s Deepest Needs

Chapter 23. Every man needs a spiritual father. Most of us go to a building once a week, sing songs, listen to a speech, do rituals, write checks, smile, shake hands, and leave. While that’s part of a spiritual meal—like toast is one part of a breakfast—we need more nutrition than that. Annie Oakley claimed she could “do anything better than you” in that famous Broadway song, and women in the churches have proven it—for the most part. Men need a sacred role only they can do. This is it: be a spiritual father. Churches have men who teach, preach and do this and that. But do we have fathers? To walk beside men and bring them to maturity in Christ? Paul called Timothy and Titus his sons. Just as Jesus imitated his Father, men imitate their spiritual fathers—if they have any. In 1995 pastor Watkins of Powerhouse Christian Center (Katy, TX) designed his church to reach men. Here’s the results. 50% of first-time visitors become regulars. Over 60% of new converts stay in church. 60% of Sunday worshippers also attend home groups. 60% tithe, building a $4.5 million facility with no building campaign. How? Heaps of masculine spirit during services. Half the multi-ethnic congregation is male—men who enjoy being there. Things move—with no element of the service more the 10 minutes in length. Almost always live drama or video produced by members. Sermons are brief, with masculine imagery. (And I expect a story telling approach rather than a Bible lecture with three points.) Men mentor other men. One guy now has over 100 in his spiritual “lineage.” Women, of course, meet also. Home groups are family affairs—where the men take part as much as the women.

Spiritual fathers are men who are walking with God and leading men by example to maturity in Christ. (Murrow 218) This requires on-going relationships. Consistent example. Showing how to release male energy in a healthy way. No self-absorption and trying to feel good all the time. Suck it up! Help a man find his spiritual name and his sacred role in life. This must not be another addition to myriad programs—it must be the foundation of the church. Not just men doing jobs and filling slots—but a band of brothers.

Chapter 24. Every man needs a band of brothers to run with. Even in church, many men do not have a close friend. Men will open up in a small circle of guys they meet with regularly. This means a church needs to foster little platoons instead of more large teaching events for men. Men relate side by side—unlike women who relate face to face. So make sure each man knows God personally—“leave no man behind.”

Chapter 25. The goal, then, is not male dominance but male resurgence. While male attendance at church has remained flat over the last decade or so, there has been a huge increase in men’s participation in groups outside the church. They may not be in church but they are in Christ, meeting in drive-in churches, restaurant churches, malls, office complexes, etc. Promise Keepers has gone to holding Challenge Conferences. Men meet outdoors. Or they build houses for the needy—all to show the love of Jesus. The implications for how we do church and how we train pastors in seminaries needs an upgrade. Jesus promised his followers—including all men who would ever enlist with Him—that He would make them achieve something risky but significant. “I will make you fishers of men.” “You are to make disciples of all nations.” The challenge and the promise is still there today. That’s what real men want.